“Give instruction to the wise, and they will become wiser still;teach the righteous and they will gain in learning.” (Proverbs 9:9 NRSV)
Many have been in my classroom at the college level, in corporate training sessions, and of course Bible study classes. I’m sure that any time we focused on communication or leadership, I borrowed from Eric Berne’s transactional analysis theory and shared what I had learned about his three parts of any individual’s personality; “The Parent,” “The Adult, and “The Child.” I won’t go into a reiteration of how this works, except to tell you that the best form of communication between two people is “Adult to Adult.” That’s where each person communicates facts and avoids talking down to another as an authoritative parent would talk to his son or daughter or as a child talks improperly, instantly whining to his literal parent when a fact has been communicated, such as “Your room needs cleaning.” From a personality perspective, the parent might have tried talking “Adult” to “Adult” but the son or daughter’s response is “Child to Adult,” “Why are you always picking on me?” Imagine the tone. The consequence is a crossed line of communication and even if no further dialogue is verbalized, tension that impairs the relationship for a short term and sometimes a long term is born.
One individual that has been in my classes in a variety of forums is my wife. She audited one of my leadership classes at the university. We have co-presented training that included a segment on communication. And of course, she has heard me share Berne’s theory at various Christian education settings. I’m telling you, she knows the Parent, Adult, Child dynamics. The proverb in the opening verse has become real and relevant, and revealed in our day to day lives, especially in this pandemic: “Give instruction to the wise, and they will become wiser still; teach the righteous and they will gain in learning.” Once the “student,” she has now become “the teacher.” This has been to our benefit and it has enhanced our one on one communications in this time where we are sheltered in the majority of the time.
Let me explain the latter statement. Prior to the pandemic, she would have to go through a challenging transition of taking off her “executive hat” and putting on her “at home” hat, largely because I did not give her time to adjust. She might make a comment reminiscent of my mom’s words to me as a child when she entered the house, “Let me get my shoes off first, please!” That would prompt me to say, “You are talking to me “Parent” to “Child.” Granted it was my fault, but stay at home husbands can be from Venus too! I hope you got what I meant as I just alluded to role reversal. I should have been patient and let her catch her breath after a hard day at work. Now that we are at home together more during the crisis, she also uses the Eric Berne theory to help manage my tongue. For example she likes to open the curtains on the kitchen door. It’s been very cold and as I noticed her opening them one day this week, I said, being transparent, in an authoritative, but not mean way, “Don’t open those! They help block cold air!” I did not realize my tone, pitch, or volume, but she did. I was communicating “Parent” to “Child.” She kept things from escalating and actually produced laughter by both of us by communicating in a simple, yet smart way; asking the question: “Now was that “Adult” to “Adult?” Oh my! The student had become the teacher! But that’s good because it helped keep our communication and interaction perfect and peaceful throughout the day, especially after the laughing that was centered on me being like the kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Why did I share this with you? I shared merely so you can be mindful of how you communicate with other individuals and to prompt you to think about what you are about to say, and ponder on how you are going to say it without crossing lines of communication and causing avoidable tension. Oh it will work at home, at work, at church, at the checkout register; almost anywhere. It’s time for you to make this applicable; time for you the student to become the teacher. Be blessed!
“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3 NIV)
Still committed to the climb,
Mark L. King